Welcome to special IceFreakout 2015 Coverage

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Welcome to special IceFreakout 2015 Coverage, I’m Cordon Bleu.

And I’m Melanie Marsha Maggie Megan.

Tonight’s top story is the psychotic weather. We now go to our Chief Top Grand PooBah Meteorologist, Storm Front who is in our Weather Lab — which is three feet away from me.

Thanks Cordon. Tonight’s weather conditions are sponsored by Lithium. Well, it’s colder than Elsa’s armpit out there tonight, folks. This after a high today of 84 degrees. Yep, if you don’t like Mississippi weather, wait around for the next commercial break.”

Storm chuckles at his own joke and continues.

” We’ve turned on our high-powered Mississippi Electric Super Duty Doppler Microwave 3-D Radar Range Radar and you can see the frozen precip headed down I-55. I’ll be back with the five-day forecast after some news and lots of commercials. The forecast is sponsored by bread and milk. Break and Milk, just add eggs and you have French Toast.

Cordon speaks. “We’re going to skip the usual murder and mayhem to go straight to our reporter in the field, Ima Freezin.”

A young reporter shivers while standing in the middle of the interstate.

“Cordon, the windchill is dropping faster than my core body temperature. In fact, I can’t feel my face. My lips are blue. My cameraman’s eye is stuck to his camera. If you’ll notice, the weather is now causing a huge backup on I-55.”

Cars honk and you hear drivers shout obscenities. A 1996 Malibu slams into the back of the parked live truck, which is parked in the center lane of the Waterworks Curve.

Melanie Marsha Maggie Megan comes on after the screen goes blank. “We seem to have lost the signal. Right now, we have the following school closing updates.

“Clinton, Rankin, Madison and Jackson Public Schools might be closed. Maybe. They’d tell you but they’d have to kill you. Parents are advised to panic now.”

“And we have this just in from Governor Phil Bryant. State employees are to report to work at 10 a.m., unless he cancels work all together at 9:59 a.m. Stay tuned and get ready to be stuck in your car.”

Cordon interrupts Melanie Marsha Maggie Megan, “We have Ima Freezin back.”

“I’m OK, Cordon. Apparently, parking the live truck in the middle of the Waterworks Curve was not a good idea. I can now report that I-55 will be closed for the next 12 hours.”

“OK, Ima, thanks for that MDOT Traffic Cam update. Now back to Storm Front in the Weather Lab that is three feet away from me.”

“There is ice in my sweet tea. And there is a chance it will get on the overpasses and trees. This update is brought to you by Lipton Iced Tea.”

Melanie Marsha Maggie Megan speaks, “Thanks Storm. Now for sports. Here is the Captain of our sports team, Right-Field Ronnie.”

“Big news on the home front. There will be a luge race tonight on the Stack and there will be professional shopping cart races in the milk and bread aisles in Kroger. Otherwise, there are no other sports. Everything was cancelled.”

Cordon, “Thanks Right Field, Mother Nature has been arrested on the 500 block of Northside Drive. JPD has charged her with assault and battery. She was led to the patrol car screaming, ‘IT’S FREEZING TODAY. IT WILL BE 70 BY THE WEEKEND!!!!!”

Melanie Marsha Maggie Megan, “One last word on the weather, with Storm Front.”

“We’re all going to die.”

“Thank you and that concludes our special coverage of IceFreakout 2015.”

The sound goes down as the anchors idly chit chat.

Editor’s Note: None of my hardworking TV friends were harmed in the making of this blog. 

 

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