Today, something will happen that has not happened in a long, long time. A mysterious mind-controlling liquid will fall from the sky. This liquid will make people forget how to drive. It will cause cars to bump into each other. Small children, who have not seen it in their lifetimes, will cry. Chaos will break out. Salty raindrops will fall down your cheeks, only to be washed away.
A few tips when the liquid falls.
1. Use your dry-rotted umbrella. This will keep you from becoming wet. But if you do happen to get wet, you are not made of sugar. You won’t melt.
2. If driving, look for the switch that turns on your windshield wipers. I know you’ve forgotten where they are — plan ahead and test all the buttons out on your dashboard. (The horn is in the middle of the steering wheel).
3. When driving when the liquid falls, turn on your car’s headlights. I know this is difficult — but it isn’t so you can see. It is so the other cars can see you. I hope you are listening Mr. “I drive a gray car and like to pretend I have a cloaking device when it rains.”
4. Slow the #$% down. The roads, with months of built up oil on them, will be slicker than owl feces. I know you’ve been itching to try out your airbags, but don’t do it today.
5. Stay calm. I know — wet stuff falling from the sky is scary, and different. But take a deep breath. With an ounce of calm we will all make it through this rain apocalypse.
Godspeed. May you survive this calamity.