If I had $700 million…

I didn’t win the lottery (duh) nor did I even buy a ticket — so my odds were the same as if I had bought one (zero). But it’s still fun to wonder what would happen if I had won the $700 million jackpot like ol’ Mavis did.

Seven hundred million dollars ($400 million-plus for a lump-sum payout) is a buttload of cash. I mean like “You will get your ass kidnapped” amounts of cash. So first thing I’d do is change my name. To what? I don’t know. Dash Riprock, SimonandGarfunkel, Hootie or something believable maybe. I’d probably go with Dave Ramsey. My cousin is not a fan of the lottery so no one would suspect that a rich Dave Ramsey running around got his money from the Powerball.

So at this point, you can call me Dave (my dad wouldn’t mind either.)

My kids like the schools here but I know it would be rough being Richie Rich. We’d try to stay for them but there is a temptation to move out of state to a compound in the mountains surrounded by a moat. (To keep relatives from finding us) But if I did stay, I’d buy a nice house on a lake (without alligators). And then build a moat. What about my current house? I’d raffle it off for $1 a ticket. (My neighbors suddenly don’t like me. Relax guys — I didn’t win. Nor will I ever win the Lottery. You’re stuck with me as a neighbor for the near future).

Yes, I’d still draw editorial cartoons. And I’d buy donuts for my coworkers every single day.

I’d also create a charity and get busy donating to worthy causes. I might even sponsor potholes in Jackson — although that would get expensive fast. The family would travel to places around the world where potholes are the norm — just to feel at home.

I could afford to send my kids to college — although I am not sure $400 million is enough to cover textbooks. I’d make my kids earn the money — yes, I’d be that kind of an a-hole parent. Pip would eat a lot of bacon. A lot of bacon.

I’d have to hire security. (Pip would be too stuffed with bacon to guard us.) I think I can pick up a used M1A2 Abrams tank used on Craig’s List. That much money makes you a bug light for people who want your money. So I’d carefully choose my posse. We’d hang out like Elvis did. I’d even create a jungle room and shoot my TVs. Thank you. Thank you very much.

The 4 a.m. Wake-up Club would have to seek a new leader. Just saying. I could buy a gym for all the money I’d have. But I’d sleep in until at least 5 a.m.

Having nearly a half of billion dollars would be an insane thing to deal with. But I’d try to handle it. And yes, I’d still draw — just not draw a paycheck.

But alas, this is all speculation. The only thing I’ve won in my life is a set of Alcoa Aluminum coat hangers (I won bingo at a retiree picnic in 1974. So I’ll have to get back to work and quit dreaming.

I really should’ve won, though. Next time maybe I’ll save up and buy a ticket. And then I’ll get ready to build a moat.


About Marshall Ramsey