Dateline: The North Pole
As I trudged down the ramp of the giant cargo plane, I was greeted by a short man with pointed ears. Snow whipped around us like a leaf in a hurricane as his high-pitched voice pierced the roar of the engines, “Welcome Mr. Ramsey, I’m Randy the Elf.
I shook his tiny hand and lugged my suitcase off the plane.
“The main house is this way. Big Dog is waiting on you.”
Little did I know that Big Dog was Santa Claus’ security name. One look would make you understand why. He was 6’4″ and probably 325 lbs with bright pink cheeks. He chuckled as I approach as his belly jiggled like, well, a bowl full of jelly.
“Marshall! It’s good to see you!”
I was a little surprised he knew my name, but as we set up for the interview, I remembered that he knew if I was naughty or nice. Of course he knew my name. In a candid moment, he looked over at his TV. A panel of people on cable news were arguing over a no-brainer moral question.
“People have seemed to forgotten that the Naughty list has nothing to do with political affiliation.”
Soon the crew had the lights set up and cameras ready. We both settled into our giant green plush chairs. I pulled out a list of questions.
Are you real?
“Do I look real? Of course I’m real. I live in the hearts of those who believe and in every mall across America.”
So you haven’t been banned from any malls?”
“I’m not Roy Moore.”
I don’t think he cared for that question. I went back to my list.
Age? Are you married? Do you have any aliases?
“I’m timeless. Mrs. Claus, who is at Bunko tonight, is my bride. I do go by several names. Google it.”
Let me ask you about your operation.
“Claus, Inc. Is a multinational corporation with factories across the globe. Ireland recently made us pay back taxes but I have our headquarters here to avoid high tax rates. I am hopeful the corporate tax cut being pushed by the Republicans will go through. I could use the cash to buy reindeer food.”
You brought up delivery, how do you deliver toys in one night?
“You know Dasher, and Dancer, and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen, but do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?”
I answered, “Rudolph?”
Santa chuckled, “No, the UPS/FedEx/Postal delivery person.” He seemed quite pleased with that answer.
Another political question, what do you think about our current President?
Santa rubbed his whiskers carefully before he answered, “You know those Tweets he sends? Well, let’s just say he has truly made coal great again.”
Speaking of coal, how has global warming affected your operation?
“We lost our old factory to melting ice three years ago. That’s part of the reason I’ve moved my operations across the globe.”
What are you going to give Mississippi this year?
“The two museums was an early Christmas gift. And a nice December snowfall for Central and South Mississippi, too.”
What about the war on Christmas?
“I watch a fair amount of Fox News and hear about that. There is no formal war on Christmas. The only place where there is a war is in peoples’ hearts. Have you read Twitter lately? People are so angry and hateful. They are self-proclaimed victims and are suspicious and jealous of everything. THAT is the true war on Christmas. The reason for the season is the message of love brought to the world by that special little baby born that day.”
Your favorite Christmas TV special?
“I love Santa Claus is Coming to down. (Santa starts to sing “One foot in front of the other.”). Rudolph is good, too. Bumbles bounce, you know. I had a couple of elves who wanted to be dentists before the downsizing. But I love “A Charlie Brown Christmas.” The scene where Linus tells us about the real meaning of Christmas is divine.”
How about Christmas song and movie?
Santa Claus is Coming to Town by Bruce Springsteen and A Christmas Carol with George C.Scott — although I am partial to It’s a Wonderful Life, too. I’m a big sap for happy endings. I starred in the original Miracle on 34th Street.”
Is there really an island of Misfit Toys?
“Yes. The Returns Department at Target. ”
Am I on the nice list?
“Don’t push your luck Ramsey. Don’t push your luck.”