Marshall Ramsey

A few items from a few wish lists to Santa:

Cam Newton’s Dad: $180,000 in small bills.

Yazoo City: No more #%#$ tornadoes

Haley Barbour: A new White House in Washington, DC and a big plane, too.

Pete Boone: A new sound system for Ole Miss’ stadium.

Kenny Stokes: Lots of trips on the taxpayer’s dime.

Phil Bryant: Haley Barbour’s old white house.

North Korean leaders: Attention

North Korean people: Food

Sarah Palin: Get another daughter on Dancing With the Stars in 2012.

Mississippi State: Dan Mullen not leaving.

Santa: WikiLeaks not releasing the Naughty List

I’ve heard on TV that there’s a “War on Christmas.”  Oh no!  I just picture Santa’s workshop getting carpet bombed and elves fighting hand-to-hand combat in the streets. What? Santa’s the problem?  Oh.  I see.  Apparently some people worry that Christmas has gotten too commercialized. That the real meaning of the Season has been lost.

I guess I’m weird. I like the commercial side.  And I cherish the REAL meaning, too.  You see, my brain is big enough to handle both concepts at the same time. I don’t get offended if someone sends me a card that says “Happy Holidays!” or “Season’s Greeting.”  I just smile that I got the card at all and then think, “That person must have just bought a bunch of cards and just happens to be like me and has friends who are of other faiths as well.” I don’t view it as an attack on my beliefs.

Christ is what Christmas is about to me. Not just the man. What the man stood for.  Love. Peace.  It’s a time when I am thankful for all the blessings in my life. It’s when I like giving gifts to people I care about.  It’s when I thank God for giving us His only Son and then I go love on my three. So if that means I enjoy Rudolph and Santa and the Grinch also, well, that’s OK, too.  It’s all good to me.

Merry Christmas. Seasons Greetings. Happy Holidays. Happy Hanukkah or whatever you say this time of year.  The War on Christmas is over for me. Peace on Earth. Good will to men.

God bless retailers. I could make a joke about “the Maul” but honestly, I respect everyone who works in the retail industry. I couldn’t do it.  I’d rather have a job flossing lions at the circus.  Me and crowds of shoppers go together like President Obama and Fox News.

I really hate shopping.

Thank goodness my wife does most of the it at Casa de Ramsey. Don’t get me wrong, she’s not big on it either. But she realizes if she doesn’t step in and buy gifts, everyone in our families will get gift certificates to McDonalds. Or worse.  If I had been one of the Wisemen, the baby Jesus would have gotten a gift card.  I’d never  have never gone to Frankincense, Gold and Myrrh ‘R’ Us and fought the last-minute crowds.  I’m sure camel parking was as hard as finding a space is today.

This year is in the can. We’re done except for me making one more trip to get something nice for my wife. She’s been super good this year, particularly this last month.  Her dog died and her deadbeat husband’s job half-evaporated.  So she deserves more than a gift card to Bass Pro Shops.  I’m building up my strength and taking patience pills.  I’ll hold my breath and make my strike mission.  I’ll got and find the perfect gift.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not the bastard child of Scrooge.  I believe in Christmas.  The real meaning of it and the commercial side.  No one stole it from me.  I don’t need three Ghosts or a bunch of annoying Who’s to teach me the meaning of it.  I just need everyone not to go to the store at the same time as I do.

Come to think of it, I might just cheat and shop online.  Really. It’s sounding better and better. I can go to lazymenwhohateshopping.com and wait for the UPS Santa to show up at my door.  So thank you Al Gore for inventing Internet shopping. I might just get you a gift card this year, too.

Banjo the dog and I are sitting here, drinking a cup of hot tea (he does pretty well holding a cup for not having opposable thumbs) and carrying on a discussion about what we’ve learned from the last month.  We’ve both had a rough month — my job status changed and he lost his soul-mate Molly the dog.  He gave me some really good advice and I thought I’d share his words with you.

1. Always be positive.  A dog that wags his tail gets more pets than a growling one.

2. Blaming yourself for something you had no control over is as fruitless as chasing your tail.

3. Always bury a few bones for a rainy day.

4. Your real friends are the ones who still will pet you when you roll in crap.

5. Just because someone puts a collar on you doesn’t mean they own you.

6. Cherish the moment. The treat. The nap. The walk. The scratch behind the ear.

7. If you want friends, be a friend.  How do I know this? I’m man’s best friend aren’t I?

8. Always be excited when someone you care about comes home. Greet them accordingly. When they leave, act like it is the biggest tragedy ever.

9. Fiercely protect your territory. Your people. Your pack.

10. Happiness may or not be a warm puppy, but it works for me.