In the 1970’s we had plenty to worry about. Stagflation, Vietnam, the Bermuda Triangle, the metric system, an oil crisis, Iran hostages, nuclear war, killer bees, Billy Beer, disco — I spent most of my childhood scared half to death. But what really freaked me out was that people kept telling me how the world was going to change in the year 2000. The 21st Century seemed so scary.
It frightened the leisure suit out of me.
I survived the ’70’s (even disco.) I even made it successfully through the 80’s and ’90’s. But in the year 2000, the dire prophecy came true. My world really did change.
I became a father.
And I had absolutely no freakin’ clue what I was doing. I looked at my newborn son and broke into a cold sweat. WTH? Where was the instruction manual? There wasn’t one attached to him when he came out! (I checked. Twice.) To make matters worse, I’d never been around a baby before. I could change a tire — but a diaper? OH NO! He peed on me about 4,000 times before I figured out how to cover him up. I was lost. And just to make the learning curve a little steeper, my son decided he wouldn’t sleep through the night for a year. Lack of REM sleep and exhaustion meant maximum stress. My wife’s lovely blue eyes quickly became bloodshot. And I wasn’t much help. My wife had to raise two children at once.
Thankfully babies are tougher than they appear. Thirteen years later, my oldest is a brilliant, handsome young man. And his two younger brothers are equally smart, funny and good looking (editor’s note, they all look like their mother). But if I had a dime for every mistake I’ve made, I’d have enough money to put the boys through college.
So this Father’s Day, I really don’t need a tie or a card. Boys you have already given me the most precious gift of all: I now know life is about more than myself. To quote the ever-brilliant Craig Ferguson,“I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else’s.”
Thank you boys, for making me a father. I’m very proud to be your Dad. And thanks for the gift. It changed my life for the better.
