The host sat in his chair, closing his eyes as the assistant dabbed makeup on his shiny forehead. Another member of the stage crew ran the microphone wire under his jacket. The bright lights showed every imperfection in his face. He’d never make it to a bigger market — but he didn’t really care. He had found a nice niche for himself here on this weekly public affairs show. Three cameras faced him and an empty chair.
“Any sign of our guest?” the host impatiently asked. While he lacked TV star looks, he was a a stickler for time.
“He’s on his way,” his producer buzzed in his ear. She was his brain — and helped him keep time better than Les Miles did at LSU.
No sooner than he had asked, the guest strolled into the studio with his entourage. Tall, silver-haired, the guest was wearing a black t-shirt and sport coat. His youthful wardrobe belied his very advantaged age.
The host awkwardly stood up (so he wouldn’t pull loose his earpiece and microphone). “Welcome to the show!”
One of the stage crew handed the guest a one dollar bill, “Would you autograph this?” The guest smiled awkwardly and pulled out a pen. “I get that a lot,” he said.
The host and the guest sat down in their respective chairs, sipped their last sipped of water before the taping began. The crew scurried around and someone yelled, “quiet on the set!” The host heard his producer count down “3….2…..1….”. The TelePrompTer began to glow.
“Welcome to Conversations. Our guest today is known to school children around the country as the father of our country. A Virginia planter turned Revolutionary General, he went on to be the first president of the United States. Today he joins us after a long hiatus. Please welcome President George Washington.”
Camera Two’s red light went on as George Washington smiled briefly, revealing a set of new white dentures that looked like he had a mouth full of Chiclets.
“Glad to be here. Glad to be anywhere. I took a very long dirt nap.”
The host shifted his note cards around and asked the first question. “Um, you’re over 200 years old. How exactly is it that you’re….”
Washington interrupted, “Alive? Oh, I’m more alive than I ever have been. Don’t asked me how it happened but I am sitting here very much alive. Martha credits the Viagra.”
The host smiled awkwardly, ” So, what are your impressions of 2017?
Washington figited in his seat, “Well, it’s better than 2016. I thought I was going to die a second time during that cursed year. But I’m having the time of my life. I like the 21st Century. The Internet is amazing. Airplanes? After getting over my terror, I love them. I travel nearly every week. Just last week, I pulled some strings and saw Hamilton. Man, the guy who was playing me sure could sing better than me. I’m just chuckling that they made a play about Alex. Lordy, like his ego wasn’t big enough already. But it was a darn shame he shot his mouth off and Burr shot him in the side. Alex was one of the brightest men I’ve ever known. Read Ron Chernow’s book on Alex, by the way. A great account of what happened back then.”
The host continued, “Speaking of bright men, what are your thoughts on the current political landscape?”
Washington rubbed his chin and spoke carefully. “Ex-Presidents really shouldn’t say much. Let’s just say after my trip to my town, I can see why Ringling Brothers canceled their circus. You can’t compete with the circus on the Potomac.”
The host fake chuckled, as he was prone to do when he felt uncomfortable. He then asked, “Did you really cut down the cherry tree?”
Washington once again spoke carefully, “If I said no, then I would’ve told a lie — which was the point of the whole story. So I will say, ‘no comment’ to your question.”
The host pressed, “So you are telling me that story is made up?”
Washington, who was a politician after all, deflected by saying, “You want to hear what I’m up to now?”
The host, realizing he wasn’t going to get an answer said, “sure. What’s up with George Washington these days?”
Washington smiled, “I’m on the speaking circuit. I get 100,000 of the bills with my picture on it for a speech. Easiest money I’ve made since I bet Lincoln that Franklin D. Roosevelt would run for a third term. Smart money was on his ego. We presidents usually have big egos. I cross the street when I see Teddy coming. Let’s just say that the Bullmoose is full of Bulls…” Washington caught himself before he swore.
The host then asked, “speaking of ex-presidents, what are your thoughts on the current state of affairs in Washington?”
“There are a lot of affairs going on in Washington,” Washington chuckled at his own joke. “Seriously, I’m almost embarrassed my name is on the place. But I do like the giant phallic monument in my honor. Martha blushes every time someone brings it up. Yet as dysfunctional as our country is, I’m proud that the framework we created back in the day still keeps things reasonably under control. The Constitution is like the old Timex Watch commercial — it takes a licking and keeps on ticking. Like any father, I’m proud of my child. It’s a great country, warts and all.”
The host, hearing the producer say ‘wrap it up,’ asked one more question, “You fought for our freedom. How would you describe the state of our freedom these days.”
Fire lit in Washington’s eyes as he pondered his answer. He paused, rubbed his chin again and then spoke in a low, serious tone.
“Freedom is great. But so many people squander it. It’s a gift and yet we chose to spend it seeking trivial pursuits and decadent luxuries. I’m not saying don’t purse happiness — Thom wrote that line and it is brilliant. But we should all do more with this precious gift we’ve been given. It’s about our self discipline — and about becoming educated and working hard.”
Being out of time, the host interrupted him, “Thanks George. That’s all the time we have today. To find out more about George Washington, check out mountVernon.org. This is Conversations, we’ll see you next week.”
Awesome stuff and probably very close to what would happen if he came back to life.