A Modern Christmas Tale

For all the talk of the polar ice cap melting, it was a brutally cold day at the North Pole. Santa shivered as he walked between factories with his personal elf secretary Pushka.  “Remind me to get Al Gore another lump of coal.  Wait, if he burns it, that’ll make things worse.  Son of an elf. ”

It had been one of those years.

Santa was ageless but the past couple of years had really weathered him. First there was the financial shock of 2008.  Getting credit to build all the toys was elfin’ impossible that year. In fact, it was so bad that he had to ring a bell outside of a Kroger in Richland, Miss. to get the needed cash. (and the kids thought he was a man in a Santa suit — HA!) He eventually took his operation public to raise the additional capital required to make Christmas happen.  While it saved Christmas, he had lost control of his operation.  And pain soon followed. First came the layoffs.  Then came more layoffs. He had lost over 10,000 elves in the three rounds of cuts.  Each hurt — although it seemed that his CFO really seemed to enjoy each bloodletting a little too much.  He was so evil he couldn’t even make the naughty list. But business is business. And his financial Anti-Santa was good at making the cuts the stockholders and Wall Street craved.  Short-term profits were all the rage with them, not long-term growth.  And they were driving the bus. Santa sighed. He loved capitalism but something wasn’t working for his operation.

It was like the Grinch had moved from Whoville to Wall Street.

Santa walked through the empty factory (most of the toys were made in China these days anyway) and headed toward the reindeer stables.  They were empty, too.  He kicked the straw and looked at the vacant stalls: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet and Cupid, Donner and Blitzen.  Rudolph was doing it all now.  The others were in a petting zoo in Erie, Pennsylvania.  Reindeer were too expensive to keep and the consultants from corporate said kids didn’t care about reindeer anyway.  One was “good enough.” (The consultants favorite phrase.)

“No one needs Santa anymore,” said the corporate folks.”People get their toys from the internet.”  Santa scoffed. He knew that people still believed in him and the spirit of Christmas.  But Wall Street had his mittens tied.  Somehow he had to get his operation back and out of the hands of the outsiders.  He reached down and petted his cat Kringle.  “How can I do this without taking government bailout money.” Government. Now there was a bunch who needed coal.  No Christmas spirit anywhere in D.C. (Although some of the Congressmen and Senators thought they were Santa by the way they were spending money.)

Santa missed his pipe. He needed some nicotine. Bad. But like many things that he liked, he had to quit it years ago.  At least he still had cookies and milk — although the milk was skim (white water in his book.)  Santa sat down with his laptop and pulled up an Excel spreadsheet of all the good little girls and boys’ wish lists.  Their wants were more desperate this year than ever.  A job for their dad.  A home. Food.  This economy was breaking his heart. Santa was good at bringing toys but somehow bringing a better economy was just out of his reach.

Kringle the cat jumped into his lap and started purring.  Santa chuckled as he watched the cat-playing-piano YouTube clip (hi-larious!).  He stopped and wondered what he could do.  Holy Mistletoe! It hit him.  He picked up his iPhone (his cell phone company had rotten coverage up here but he loved the features of the phone) and made a few calls. And then he made a few more.  Christmas could be saved. But Grinch had to be put out to pasture first.

North Pole (AP) – Claus, Inc. has announced a massive stock buyback said Santa Claus, the CEO of Claus, Inc today at a polar news conference.  “We’re going private. It’s a great deal for the stockholders, who got $5 more per share and a candy cane but it’s even a better one  for the kids.  I can now spend my time focusing on the real mission of Claus, Inc. — spreading joy and love throughout the world instead of constantly having to spread joy and love on Wall Street. I celebrate corporate America, but Christmas isn’t about chasing short-term profits. It’s about peace. Love. Family.  We’ll make a tidy profit over the years, but we’ll make even more kids’ dreams come true. We here at Claus, Inc. look forward to spreading Christmas cheer until the end of time. Ho Ho Ho and Merry Christmas.”

Santa stepped away from the podium and looked out the window. A bright star had suddenly appeared in the East. He had seen one of those many, many years ago.  And then he smiled, petted Kringle and got ready to make this the merriest Christmas ever.