The Debate

On the eve of the 2016 elections, two candidates stood on the stage for the final debate. Each had been coached and coached again to make sure they had the right answer for the right question at the right time.  Their suits were expensive and their makeup was immaculate.  The lights shined brightly and the cool breeze from the extra air-conditioning would had rustled their hair if they had not each used a gallon of hairspray to nail it in place.  The TV production people scurried around like mice, trying to get the last minute details ready.  A man with a headset counted down:  Three………Two………..One…..

“Live from the Manchester Civic Center, welcome to the final Presidential Debate. I’m CNN’s Wolf Blitzer and I will be your moderator tonight.”

Out in the audience, two figures sat in the crowd. They were a little larger than the rest of the people in the room and had a strange glow about them.  Both were angels, sent down to observe the debate and report back. Although their Boss was all-knowing and knew what was going on, they asked for the duty. They had loved politics since the Roman times.

One was blonde.  His name was Gabriel (not that Gabriel — it was a common mistake to confuse the two) and the other had brown hair. His name was David (and not that David either).  Each looked uncomfortable in their suits, like little boys forced to dress up for church.

Gabriel held his huge hand up to his mouth and whispered like he had learned in a sawmill,” LET’S HAVE SOME FUN.”

Yes, Gabriel and David were angels, but they weren’t angels when it came to their practical jokes. Impish was the word that St. Peter had used about them. There was the time that they had hid Daniel’s halo.  And they had an annoying habit of calling Jesus “the chosen Son.” Most of their behavior would have offended the Senior Sunday Class as Mt. Bethel First Baptist Church.

David looked at Gabriel, smiled an unangelic smile and said, “I know exactly what you’re thinking.”

Both angels waved their hands at the same time.

Both the candidates got a strange look on their faces right as the debate began.

Wolf Blitzer: “Gentlemen. First question.  Why are you running for President?”

The candidates normally would have said something trite like, “Because I love America,” or “I wanted to help the children.” But something weird happened. They told the truth.

“Hell, Wolf, who wouldn’t? You get lots of swag. Big plane. Cool house. And the chicks.  Good Lord, no wonder Bill Clinton was a horn dog.  My wife is a b*tch.  She can be coldly sleeping upstairs and I can be in the command center lovin’ on an intern.”

The audience sat there in stunned silence.  A little old lady on the front row fainted. The candidate’s wife screamed, “You think I’m a b*tch now, you just wait!!!!!” and then stormed out.

Wolf Blitzer turned red. “Um, rebuttal?”

Candidate Two: “Wolf, it’s strictly about power for me.  And think of the money.  I can’t wait to get on the speaking circuit when I’m an ex-President.  As long as I don’t #$%$ up too badly, I’m set for life. ”

Once again, the audience just looked at the two men.  Across America, Twitter, Facebook and Google+ lit in. Televisions turned to the debate of the Century.  Soon nearly every TV in the U.S. would be tuned in.

Wolf Blitzer: “What’s your economic plan?”

Candidate One: “To suck up to Big Business. The U.S. Chamber of Commerce is like the puppet master whose hand is up my ass.  As long as the CEO’s are making their bonuses, who gives a damn about the middle class. Viva Wall Street. And the poor? Please. That’s his party’s talking point.”

You could have heard a mouse fart.

Candidate Two: “What a whore.  Me, I’m going to kiss Big Labor’s butt for four years. As long as the union bosses get their money, I get mine.  Big Guv’ment, baby.  That’s what it is about. Government jobs.  Screw the poor.

Wolf Blitzer coughed nervously.  Someone talked into his ear.

“Gentlemen, May I ask you the source of your candor this evening?”

Both looked at Wolf and started to open their mouths. Both David and Gabriel waved their hands and the candidates’ strange looks went away.

Candidate One: “Why Wolf, I am up here today because I believe in family values.”

Candidate Two: “I’m working hard for the children. They are America’s future.”

It was the highest-rated show in the history of Television.  The audience in the theater just sat there stunned, looking at two men who had just plowed salt into the field of their political careers.

David and Gabriel laughed.  “Think the Boss will get mad?” David asked his partner in crime.

“Maybe a little,” said Gabriel. “But he never was very fond of liars.  I think we’ll get pardon.”

“You mean like Haley Barbour liked to give out?” David chuckled.

Both Angels left the theater laughing about the Hell they had raised.