Hurricane survival list

Just a few things you’ll need in your “Hurricane Isaac Survival Kit:”

1. Water: Unless you are Kevin Costner in Waterworld and can drink your own pee, you need a gallon of water per person per day. Or something like that.  Fill a tub, too. Flushing the toilet is necessary every five days or so (although my sons would argue.)

2. Food: If you only have an electric can opener, don’t buy 1,000 cans of tuna.  The cat will start to look delicious after three days.  Buy stuff you can actually eat without having to cook it.  Raw Ramen Noodles are crunchy and suck.

3. Batteries: Your house will get freakin’ dark without power.  Trust me. Oh, and a flashlight helps, too.

4. A hand-crank radio: You can go the “battery radio,” but this way, you get a little exercise while huddling in the dark, wondering if you’re going to die.

5. Prescription drugs: Make sure you have lots of Xanax — especially if you have small kids whining about not being able to play on their X-Box.  Make sure you have plenty of blood pressure meds, too.

6. A generator: If you have the cash, why not? At least you can keep your freezer going and be able to watch the national media refer to Mississippi as “the land mass between Mobile and New Orleans.”

7. A chainsaw: Um, no, scratch that.  You don’t want to end up like Jack Nicholson in the Shining and cutting through a door screaming, “Here’s Johnny!” (although they are handy when cutting the pine tree off of your house.)

8. Patience: You need lots of this so you don’t end up shooting the guy who tries to cut in front of you in the gas station.  And of course, when your kids get in a fight every three minutes for fun.

9. Cell Phone: Make sure they are charged up and your five-year-old doesn’t wear the battery down by playing Angry Birds all day.

10. Evacuation plan: If you are along the coast, be prepared to evacuate.  If you are inland and don’t have A/C for a week, also be prepared to get the heck out of Dodge.

11. Cash: ATM’s and cash registers become boat anchors when there is no power.  Unless you have live chickens to barter, you’ll need something to buy stuff with after the storm.

12: Toilet paper: It’s crappy if you run out. You’d hate to use pictures of your in-laws and the daily paper.

13. A Sense of Humor: If you can’t laugh at a time like this, you have bigger problems than a hurricane in the Gulf.