The staff buzzed around the set, tying up loose ends before the show came back from commercial break. One of the band members sneezed causing the host to joke, “Do that again and I’ll kill you.” The audience laughed — probably the hosts’ funniest comment of the evening so far. The director shook her head. “He always waits until the camera is off before he starts to get funny.”
Late night television wasn’t for sissies. It was about creativity and the caliber of the guests. But the host knew the next guest was a home run. Yup. A home freaking run.
The host straightened up behind his desk (Carson had once sat here, you know) as the director waved her arms… 3….2….1…. she dropped her arms and the red light came on.
“Welcome back to the Late Tonight Show. Our next guest is considered the World’s foremost motivational speaker. He has motivated millions of men and women through his books, TV show, podcast, XM radio show and blog. Give a warm Late Tonight welcome to…”
The audience held their breath in excitement.
“A dog.”
A small brown terrier trotted across the room and hopped up on the couch. He nestled next to Taylor Swift. She scooted away.
The dog looked at her and quipped, “Obviously a cat person.”
The host chuckled and said, “It is OK if I call you Dog, right?”
The dog smiled and continued, “Of course. Although I go by many names. Pooch. Puppy. Canine. Kujo.”
The audience laughed. The dog was obviously very comfortable in his own fur.
The host continued, “May I ask what qualifies you to be a motivational speaker?”
“Funny you should ask that. You don’t have to have a license to be a motivational speaker. But you do to be a dog.”
The audience again erupted in laughter.
“Seriously, you can call me something else — Man’s Best Friend. Not Man’s so-so friend. Or man’s part-time friend. Nope. I am Man’s Best Friend. And let me tell you why.”
The host nodded and the dog continued.
“Remember the last time you came home. How did your dog act? Like you had just liberated Paris in World War 2. That’s how. We are always glad to see you. Now imagine what the world would be like if we all were glad to see people.”
“Well, give me some of your other tips on life,” the host said. “Let me guess you’re going to tell me to eat out of cat boxes and chase cars.”
The dog shook his head. “You humans act like you’ve never done anything gross. Sure I drink out of toilets. But you pick your nose and eat it. That’s pretty gross. But since you asked, here are ten of my tips on how to have a success in life.
1. Always be positive. A dog that wags his tail gets more pets than a growling one.
2. Blaming yourself for something you had no control over is as fruitless as chasing your tail.
3. Always bury a few bones for a rainy day.
4. Your real friends are the ones who still will pet you when you roll in something dead.
5. Just because someone puts a collar on you doesn’t mean they own you.
6. Cherish the moment. The treat. The nap. The walk. The scratch behind the ear.
7. If you want friends, be a friend. How do I know this? I’m man’s best friend aren’t I?
8. Always be excited when someone you care about comes home. Greet them accordingly. When they leave, act like it is the biggest tragedy ever.
9. Fiercely protect your territory. Your people. Your pack.
10. Happiness may or not be a warm puppy, but it works for me.”
The host nodded and said, “works for me. But what about your critics?”
“They’re squirrels,” the dog said.
The host laughed and scratched the dog behind his ears, “Thank you Mr. Dog for for sharing your wisdom with me. We’ll be back with more of the Late Tonight Show on FBS.”
P.S. Thanks to Banjo for teaching me these lessons.