Searching for Christmas Cheer in Bulk

Went seeking Christmas cheer at Sam’s today. And, just to make the whole experience warmer and happier, I brought along the whole family.  Yes, I know — you’re thinking “Why would you be so stupid as to bring your three small boys to Sam’s?”  Good question.  I figured if there was Christmas cheer at Sam’s we could buy it in bulk. If not, we could at least feed the kids at the sampling tables.  Yes, I’ll take another bacon-covered turkey liver.  Yum!

I flashed my card as I walked into the entrance (The liquor store was closed, so no artificial alcohol-fueled cheer was available today.).  One of Santa’s helpers (I guess he worked at the North Pole during the week because he smelled like cookies) nodded in a Christmas-kind of way and we entered the massive temple of capitalism.  TV’s, blankets, batteries, food, lions, tigers and bears — oh my. And in large quantities.  I tried to interest my wife in a jar of 5,000 pig’s feet.  It was pickled romance for the taking. No dice.  (I think dice were on the next aisle).

The boys were good, of course.  You’ve heard of Walmart beatings? Well at Sam’s, you have beatings in bulk. My three-year-old beelined for the 44 lb. box of Lucky Charms and clutched it ike Indiana Jones hanging on to a lost idol.  My older sons were impressed by the four-story pre-fab tree fort (no tree required.)  I lusted after the recliner and car tire combo pack.  My wife saw a fuzzy throw for the bed.  Banjo the dog would like that one, too.

But no Christmas cheer.

We fattened the kids up on Pig-n-blankets and donuts. And then liver and bacon on a stick. All was washed down with Sam’s Choice Prune Juice (Only $12.99 for a 19.4 gallon bottle.).   Delicious!  (and functional food.)   I looked around for Christmas cheer.  Two aisles down I found a singing Christmas tree (it sang 14 different songs and even in Spanish!) We stocked up on a 133 count pack of sugar cookies (so Santa could have a snack.).

But still, no Christmas cheer.

We went to the pharmaceutical section to see if they sold Christmas cheer in a pill.  They had a 345-pill pack of suppositories — but that didn’t exactly say, “Ho Ho Ho” to me.  I found some fish oil that we got for Santa (we got to keep his heart healthy) but no cheer.

Humbug.

We gathered up our bounty and headed to the checkout line (a 45-person count — everything is bigger at Sam’s!) and paid for our goodies.  I came in searching for Christmas cheer and left with a 50-gallon drum of syrup.  And I left with my laughing family — which is where I should have looked for my Christmas cheer in the first place.