After midnight at the Pearl Walmart

The lights of the Walmart sign feebly attempted to burn through the early morning fog.  It was 3 a.m. — and his anniversary. The panicked man was on a mission to get roses and a card because his wife had better find some loot when she woke up. He knew one thing for sure: The dog’s house wasn’t built for two.

He hated Walmart but at least the store wouldn’t be crowded.  The automatic doors whooshed open.  He slowed down so he wouldn’t hit them. The one thing he had discovered about living in the South was that the automatic opening doors opened slower.  He grabbed a cart and noticed the McDonalds was closed. Even the clown needed a few hours off.   He continued in past the sale items. Everyone needed a discounted Hannah Montana backpack. A couple of workers were restocking the shelves near the front of the store.  He didn’t see the strange looks they were giving him as he headed toward the back.

He noticed the store seemed Busy. At least busier than he thought it would be.  Workers  restocked the shelves.  That he expected. But there were also lots of shoppers in there. He looked at his watch: 3:16.   He turned the corner of the aisle and there was a soldier looking for something in the frozen pizza section.  Down from him was an elderly woman in a habit. She looked like Mother Teresa.  He rubbed his eyes and kept walking.

Down the next aisle was a man dressed like Elvis. He had peanut butter and bananas in his cart.  A lady in a 1930’s style flight suit was pushing a cart with a big screen TV and a People magazine.  And elderly gentleman who looked like Gerald Ford tripped over a Wet Floor sign. Probably a flopper.  A lady who looked suspiciously like Lucille Ball turned the corner and ran into him.  “Pardon me, sir.”

“I hear that all the time,” the Gerald Ford replied.

The man kept walking and passed the magazine aisle. There was a man who looked like Ronald Reagan reading a Time Magazine about Ronald Reagan.  Abraham Lincoln had on headphones and was listening to “The Night they Drove Ol’ Dixie Down” by The Band. George Washington was across the store in the denture cream aisle. Mark Twain was buying cigars in the tobacco section. Must have been a costume party somewhere in town.  Al Capone was buying an aluminum baseball bat. Elvis came by humming “Suspicious Minds.”  A couple of space aliens were trying on a “Hello Kitty T-shirt.”

The man looked at his watch and then at the beer he had just put in his cart.  He put the beer back. What was going on?

“You see it all the time.”  The voice startled him. It was one of the workers who he had passed when he entered the store. “I used to think I saw strange things around here during the daytime.  Peopleofwalmart.com ain’t got nothin’ on what goes on here after midnight.”