Noxious thick smoke hung over the room. Three old friends sat in the midwestern bar, shooting the bull and discussing the meaning of life.
“The Flying Monkeys. The scariest part of the Wizard of Oz is definitely the flying monkeys,” said Nick, the high school football coach.
“The witch. Now that’s scary. She looks just like a girl I dated in high school,” said Randall, the shortest of the three said. Randall was an artist.
“You guys are wimps. It’s the tornado. That scared t
he living crud out of me when I was a kid, ” scoffed Bill. Bill worked as a trader and sold Amway on the side.
“It’s a freakin’ sock. You’re scared of a sock. The monkeys are scariest by far. How can’t you be scared of the monkeys?” Nick pleaded his case.
“The munchkins are kind of creepy, to be honest. Almost as creepy as your old green girlfriend,” Bill laughed.
“Hey Randall, if she’s green does that mean her, um, you know, is green? You have first-hand knowledge,” Nick teased.
Two of the men started laughing uncontrollably. Randall glared at them and then said, “You are sick?’ Geez.”
“Dorothy was kind of hot.”
“That’s just wrong. Now Auntie Em. Auntie Em really filled out her apron.”
Bill looked at his friends. “You two are sick. You need a brain and a heart.”
“Here’s to the Wizard OZ. There’s no place like home.”
All three men lifted their drinks and clinked their glasses.
“I always wondered about Glinda the Good Witch. I always thought it would be more fun to go out with a bad witch,” Nick pondered.
Randall said, “You married a bad witch. And then lost half your stuff in the divorce.”
Nick shrugged, “It was my stupid tax. I wonder if any of the munchkins are still alive?” He tied to change the subject. The scar from his nasty divorce was still too raw.
“My father-in-law.” Randall said. “Wait, he’s a Keebler elf. You ought to visit his house. It always smells like cookies.”
“Dude, watch it or the chip in your neck will go off.”
“NOT funny,” Randall protested. But not very hard.
“But true.”
“Your favorite actor?”
“Lance Armstrong.” Nick quipped.
“Mine is Jimmy Stewart. Dude was a bad-ass in the war. Flew B-24 bombers and then came back to do some of his best work. Loved him in Winchester ’73. His acting had grit when he came home. ” Bill took another swig. “But a lot of the guys did. My grandfather came back totally changed.”
“The war changed that generation. But so did the Great Depression. Wonder if our generation will learn anything from our struggles?” Nick wondered.
All three men had had their jobs affected by the Great Recession. Nick’s school had cut faculty and staff. Randall watched his art gallery close. Bill had nearly gone bankrupt but now was making a killing.
All three men were exhausted. And a little bit depressed.
Nick held up his bottle of water. He had quit drinking after he had lost his coaching job. “I like John Wayne. If I had to pick one today, though, it would be Tom Hanks. He should have gotten an Oscar for his role in Bachelor Party.”
“I’m paprika! The happiest spice in the world!”
“I am thinking of picking up a second job. Since Ann left, I have more time on my hands,” Randall said. All three men acted surprised.
“Back up. Ann left?”
“Yesterday. She didn’t think I was doing enough to keep the family secure. She took the kids and went back to Atlanta.”
“Son of an Ann,” Nick blurted out.
“Sorry dude. That has to smart.”
“You think? Saw it coming, but I ignored the signs,” Randall said sadly.
All three men looked around at the bar. Their ages made them stick out like the old men that they were.
“Here’s to the Class of 1986. Well, except Ann. Wasn’t she the Wicked Witch of the East?”
All three men clinked their bottles.
Nick said, “Now It’s a Wonderful Life, that’s a movie– why didn’t they go back and beat the hell out of Mr. Potter?”
Randall said, “Didn’t you see that ol’ Saturday Night Live sketch? They did just that.”
Bill said, “George Bailey should have jumped. Pottersville looked like it was more fun anyway. Strippers, prostitutes and bars. You know Alfalfa was in that movie… he was the loser who opened the pool floor.”
“What school would have a combo gym-pool? Did you know the snow in the snow scenes was really Corn Flakes?” Randall spewed useless knowledge out onto the bar.
“It was one of Jimmy Stewart’s best roles,” Bill said.
“You’ve got a man crush on him haven’t you?”
Randall started crying inexplicably. “I miss her.”
Bill and Nick sat quietly, not knowing quite what to say. “We’re sorry, man. She’ll come back home.”
Randall continued to sob. Three 28-year-old girls looked at the crying man and carefully eased past him on their way back to restroom.
Nick saw her first. Coming through the haze of the bar smoke was a figure. A familiar figure. Ann had entered the bar and headed toward her husband.
“Watch out! A house is about to fall on this woman!” Bill yelled. Ann shot him a look that even the Wizard could not have deflected.
Randall turned around and saw her. She put her finger to his lip and said, “Ssshhhh. Let me talk.”
He blew his nose with a loud honk and she began. “I’m sorry. I just couldn’t take the pressure. I got halfway to Atlanta and just turned around. The farther I got from you, the emptier I felt. This is supposed to be us working together. I betrayed that.”
“You want me to throw water on her Randall?” Nick interrupted.
“Wrong witch, idiot,” Bill said.
“You two aren’t helping,” Ann said. “I want to come home, Randall. With you.”
Randall stood up and hugged his wife. And when he did, the bar erupted into applause.
“I had the weirdest dream. You were there and you were there,” Bill said.
“The flying monkeys still scare me,” said Nick.
“I know a good therapist,” Bill sighed.
“Teacher says when a bell rings, an angel gets his wings,” Nick shot back. “And our friend Randall had a guardian angel looking after him tonight. And maybe even a flying monkey or two.”
The two friends watched as their friend and his wife went back to Kansas. Because there was no place like home.