The Congressman’s Last Speech

A Congressman from a forgotten state stood at the podium in the U.S. Capitol.  He gazed blankly out into nearly empty chamber, took sip of water and began the speech of a lifetime.   CSPAN cameras captured every word.  Here’s the text:

Ladies and Gentlemen of my district. America. Any other sucker who is watching this. You see, I know there aren’t many of you out there. My guess? Probably a couple of dozen or so. How do I know that? You’d rather be entertained.  And that’s why this country is falling apart. We don’t want to think. You don’t want to work. Even the Romans would shake their heads at our decline.  Does that hurt your feelings? Well I don’t care.

See, I just have to fool a few of you sheep out there every two years.  My real concern is raising money.  There are a handful of lobbyists for big corporations/labor unions who I really listen to. Oh yeah, and the talking points. I couldn’t live without my talking points.  Hell, I could switch parties tomorrow and it wouldn’t matter. I don’t have to think for myself. I am told what to think. And honestly, it’s easier that way. I have more time for the junkets and the parties.  Sure, I curse Washington when I am home in that Godforsaken district I represent, but don’t get me wrong: I love me some Washington. I have a blast up here. That’s why I do what it takes to get re-elected.

So there. That’s what it is all about. Being re-elected. Power rocks. The ladies love it.  My ego does, too.

Wait, I’m supposed to fit some talking points in here. Hang on. Hang on.  Debt. Debt. Jobs. Jobs. Jobs. The Children. Medicare. Social Security. Health Care. Immigration. Civil Rights.  Rinse and repeat.

Better?  Good, now, where was I?  Oh yeah. It’s about the election. Everything you hear out of my mouth has to do with 2012.  Sure, I’ll say I care about you.  I might even scare you to get your vote, too.  Fear makes you drool like Pavlov’s dog. You don’t know who Pavlov’s dog is? Oh that’s right. You’re busy watching a B-list celebrity ice skate or something instead of reading a book.

That’s OK. You’re easier to manipulate that way. Watch the news channel that only spouts your views.  It works for me. And as soon as the poll comes back, I’ll get on TV and spout those views right back at you.   It’s my version of constituent services.

I aim to please.

So let me conclude this speech this way: SUCKERS!  I’ve always wanted to say that. God Bless America. He needs to.

The next morning, the Congressman was checked into a special hospital for the exhausted.  Some say his family checked him in. Others say he went on his own. Others noticed leaders of his party holding his hand as he was escorted through the front entrance. The Congressman’s speech was his last. But it was his most memorable.