SOURCES: BERT CASE RESCUES HOSTAGES

(Nowhere, Somalia) Navy spokesman Rear Admiral Causen Chaos denied reports this afternoon that the successful commando raid that freed two hostages was led by long-time veteran WLBT reporter Bert Case. But sources inside the Pentagon hint that Case may have been once again saving the world and in the thick of things.

WLBT’s Dennis Smith was quoted last night on the Rachel Maddow Show that Case was on “vacation” and would not be back until later in the week.  “After last week’s incident of a Madison County fugitive surrendering to Case, the reporter/anchor had taken some time off to clear his head,” said Smith.  Sources from the ANG 172 wing located in Jackson said that a lone C-17 transport took off two days ago with a single passenger.  The sources would not speculate who that passenger might have been, but a WLBT reporter car was seen in the parking lot.

“Bert has faced down hurricanes, pissed-off governors, pit-bulls and fugitives.  What can a Somalian pirate do to him?” Governor Phil Bryant in a statement. “I personally think Somoas are my favorite Girl Scout cookie, but if they were being pirates, they had what was coming to them.”

Howard Ballou, longtime co-worker and friend of Case said, “Bert has been recovering from a recent illness. I guess he just wanted to show the world he is back and in fighting form.” Former Governor Haley Barbour released a statement saying, “If my friend Bert did anything wrong, I’ll pardon him.”

Sources inside the Pentagon described the scene in Somalia. Apparently Case entered the compound with a camera man. The nine pirates circled him and surrendered to his awesomeness. Navy SEAL Team Six then came in and shot them all dead. No one was injured in the incident. Well, except the pirates. They’re dead.

President Obama and Speaker Boehner, in a joint press conference, held hands and sang a little song praising the WLBT reporter.  Chuck Norris joined the two leaders on Capitol Hill and said, “What a bad ass. Even Chuck Norris fears Bert Case.”