Television raised him. Every afternoon, he got off the bus, let himself into his house and turned on the TV. He was a latchkey kid. And he was darn proud of it.
The TV was his nanny, his companion and his teacher. He had learned so much about the World from those sitcoms and dramas. For example, he did not worry about the current leadership crisis in Washington. Oh no. Skipper and Gilligan proved that “if not for the courage of the fearless crew, the Minnow would be lost.” They lacked competence and the Minnow made it safely to shore. He also knew that radios on desert islands got good reception and had batteries that lasted forever. Gilligan’s Island also showed him that he needed to overpack for a three-hour tour. The country would survive the economic downturn like the castaways survived on the island.
His favorite pick-up lines? Dyno-mite! Whatcha talkin’ about Willis! Up your nose with a rubber hose! Nanoo Nanoo! Women loved those.
TV was so very educational. He knew that a dolphin could take out a shark by torpedoing it with his nose. And if you ever wanted to get rich, all you had to do was shoot the ground with a shotgun and oil would shoot up. Cha ching. He understood the banking crisis after watching Mr. Dreysdale on “the Beverly Hillbillies.” His understanding of Congress came from “I’m just a bill” and he knew all the words to “Conjunction Junction, What’s your function.” And also he knew that most problems in life had to be “Nipped in the Bud.” Thank you, Deputy Fife for that bit of wisdom. (Although he did fear that the big Kool-Aid pitcher would come bursting through his wall at any moment. How do you nip THAT in the bud?)
TV had taught him a lot about history, too. He learned about NASA from “I Dream of Jeannie.” And he was glad that that nice astronaut fellow became an oil baron in “Dallas.” He understood the difficulties America had in Vietnam after watching “Gomer Pyle.” M*A*S*H taught him about the Korean War, too. He was glad his grandfather had a good time while he was a POW in Germany. “Hogan’s Heroes” looked like a blast — they must have had tunnels all the way to Paris. And he loved that in the Pacific theater, they had hot nurses on ever island. Thanks Baa Baa Blacksheep (Blacksheep Squadron) from that historical nugget. He learned tolerance of those who are different than him by watching “The Munsters.” Wile E. Coyote taught him the law of Gravity.
He learned how to drive by watching “Dukes of Hazzard,” “Rockford Files,” and “CHiPs.” His car insurance was over $10,000 every six months.
He had a very sophisticated world view thanks to TV. He didn’t know where Europe was, but he did know that Lucky Charms were magically delicious, Frosted Flakes were great and you should always Leggo my Eggo. When he drank a Coke, he hummed, “I’d like to teach the world to sing.” That was information that would translate into any language.
So as he stood on the steps of the U.S. Capitol, his heart swelled with pride. He was about to be sworn in as the 46th President of the United States after winning a landslide in the election. He grinned and wondered what “The A-Team” would do at a moment like this? He loved it when a plan came together. He started humming the “Jeffersons'” theme song as the Chief Justice began swearing him in:
“Movin’ on up! To the top. To a de-luxe apartment in the sky…”
“Happy Days” were here again.
