I was fortunate enough to catch up with Cupid on his busiest day of the year. He arrived wearing a nice wool suit with a red tie adorned with pink and white hearts (not the traditional diaper like everyone expects.) He’s a much older man than I expected although he still sports a cherub-like appearance. He sipped on a bottle of water and ate candy hearts as we began.
Marshall Ramsey: Welcome, Cupid. I know it’s a very busy day for you today. So thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to join us.
Cupid: You’re welcome. Actually, it’s nice to just sit down. I’ve about flapped my little wings off today.
Marshall Ramsey: Let’s start at the beginning. When did you realize you were the one and only Cupid?
Cupid: Well, I was always shorter than the other kids. I guess I started suspecting it in middle school. Like a lot of 6th graders, I had a hard time getting girls to pay attention to me. But I discovered I had this ability to make them like other guys. And then when I hit puberty, the wings sprouted. You think parents have a hard time explaining a mystery hair. Wings? C’mon. That’s awkward in P.E.
Marshall Ramsey: How did you get chosen to be Cupid?
Cupid: It’s a family business. When I was kid, I tried to get my dad to come to Career Day. I didn’t know what he did so I asked my mom. She said he hooked up couples. I said, “OMIGOD, He’s a PIMP!” Soap doesn’t taste good.
Marshall Ramsey: If it is a family business, do you have an heir?
Cupid: Yes. My son is in training right now. He’s in charge of hooking up animals. I’m proud of the boy, but will admit his archery is terrible. Ever had your dog hump your leg? That means the boy missed his target. Again.
(Cupid sighs. You can tell this is a source of frustration for him.)
Marshall Ramsey: Who do you admire and who do you envy?
Cupid: I envy Santa and the Easter Bunny. I mean, c’mon, they only have to work one day a year and can sit on their furry tails the rest of the year. Me? I’m 24/7 and 365 days a year. I flap my little wings up trying to keep up with the World’s growing population. I admire the Tooth Fairy for having such an iron-clad stomach. Bloody teeth are gross if you ask me.
Marshall Ramsey: What’s your favorite song? Artist?
Cupid: That’s a hard one. I have a lot of great songs on my iPod. I love Marvin Gaye. Wish his father had shown a little more love. That John Lennon sure wrote about love a lot and did it well. Wish I hadn’t hooked him up with Yoko — just from the aspect of the Beatles breaking up. I miss the Beatles. Barry White gets a lot of credit for people hooking up. That’s me, not his music. But never underestimate the power of music when it comes to love. And I love George Harrison’s Something. Wow.
(Cupid starts humming the classic Beatles song and then continues…)
I wish someone would put Taylor Swift out of her misery. I’ve shot the girl several times and she still manages to screw up her relationships. I think she and Adele just like being miserable so they can write about it.
Marshall Ramsey: Who was the first couple you hooked up?
Cupid: I had just received my arrow set on my 18th birthday. I shot my math teacher Miss Wonkowski and the janitor. I heard both got fired after they were caught in the janitor’s closet. I was grounded for a week for that one.
Marshall Ramsey: What couple has frustrated you the most?
Cupid: The Speaker of the House Boehner and President Obama. I mean I don’t want them to hook up but I’d least like them to be civil.
Marshall Ramsey: The next question is a hard one but I’m curious: Who do you regret hooking up?
Cupid: Hitler’s parents. Enough said.
Marshall Ramsey: If you had to give a “State of Romance” speech, what would you say?
Cupid: Romance is strong. Love will always win the day. But I’m a hopeless romantic. There’s too much pain in this world for love not to win out. I mean, it’s all over the Good book. Love thy neighbor…it doesn’t get much plainer than that.
Marshall Ramsey: What’s your favorite romantic movie?
Cupid: Don’t get much time for movies, but I love Sleepless in Seattle. That Tom Hanks is a card. I love a great romantic comedy. Nicholas Sparks makes my hair hurt, though — although I did like the Notebook because of James Garner. When Harry Met Sally cracked me up. I loved the ending of Say Anything — well played John Cusack with that boom box Always loved Rhett and Scarlett. But Casablanca. Wow. Now there’s a movie.
Marshall Ramsey: Is this rumor I keep hearing about you nearly getting a TV show true?
Cupid: Yes. Oprah approached me and threw a lot of money at me. I didn’t have time, turned her down and Dr. Phil got the show instead. I still have guilt about creating that monster.
Marshall Ramsey: Your thoughts on Valentine’s Day? Is it too commercial?
Cupid: It’s as artificial as a Twinkie. But you’re damned if you don’t do something. My thought is that you should show the amount of love you give your loved on Valentine’s Day the other 364 days as well. Roses on a random day have much more power than on February 14th. And they are cheaper.
Marshall Ramsey: What’s your biggest challenge?
Cupid: Couples who have been married or together for a long time. Apparently my arrows are like the measles shot: I have to come back in 20 years later and give a booster shot.
Marshall Ramsey: Any parting advice for all the couples who are reading this?
Cupid: Words are great. Action is better. Remember that love is a verb not a noun. Show your love constantly in the smallest ways. Grand, sweeping gestures are great –but it’s the little things that keep a relationship strong. I can’t be everywhere all the time. You have to take personal responsibility for your love. Think of it as a bank account. You always have to be making deposits because one day there will be a big withdrawal. And if there aren’t sufficient reserves, not even I can help you.
Marshall Ramsey: What makes you the saddest?
Cupid: Divorce
Marshall Ramsey: The happiest?
Cupid: The words, “I love you.”
Marshall Ramsey: Thanks, Cupid.
Cupid: Thanks, Marshall. I’ve loved being here today.
